Working through James Boice's commentary on John's gospel, I have come to an impasse. In the past, I would adopt the best theological theory I could find and move on pretending that I had figured it out. That's not good enough anymore. I have to come up with my own answers from now on. Not just finding that someone else figured it out, but really searching internally and seeking true spiritual union with The Answer. My Christian life has been filled with men and women who have found substance in the person and work of Jesus Christ. They find joy in union with Him and delight in a heart-felt relationship with His person. My fear is that most of my pilgrimage has been vicarious through them, finding comfort in abstract concepts rather than connecting with the reality that He is.
In eight years of trying to minister to my family, myself, and others, I have essentially burned up a wick that may have never been soaked in the oil of the Spirit. Although it may have produced an impressive flame, it was exaggerated and has left me feeling disillusioned, empty, confused, alone, and in despair. I have found myself doubting. Not doubting the existence of God, but rather not finding any faith in the reality or power of the Holy Spirit to ignite real, lasting change. Not the kind of change that says that by having a desire to read the Bible and understand God means that I am regenerate. I can certainly desire those things with a motive to impress others with my knowledge, to find a path to ministry, or simply to satisfy my own curiosity. I assume that I am guilty of all three. I have studied enough that I feel confident enough in my understanding of theology to be of help to others. At the same time, those answers bring no help to me in my time of need. My three alternate conclusions are: I have been deceiving myself for the past eight years; I understand God's redeeming grace, yet haven't apprehended it spiritually; the spiritual experiences expressed by others are simply emotional phenomenon that have more to do with personality traits than an outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
Understanding the biblical doctrine of grace motivates us to gratitude and reverence because we know that our adoption as sons and daughters of God has nothing to do with our merit. The same is said of our sanctification. We grow because God causes us to grow. We desire to seek after God because he gives those desires. However, when we find ourselves in a stalemate condition, the first questions are man-centered: Have YOU been reading your Bible? When was the last time YOU prayed? Is there unconfessed sin in YOUR life? Why does such bias exist? When I believe that I first became a Christian, I had fervor for reading, praying, and avoiding sin and I believed that it was the Holy Spirit transforming my desires. I certainly had no interest in the Bible and I got plenty of kicks from drugs, alcohol, and illicit sex. Yet somehow I was stimulated by this new-found spiritual realm. Was I really in communication with the Master of the Universe? (Not He-Man!) Did He really give a flip about me? I certainly thought so, to the extent that I was willing to give up much of my 20 years of friendships, and my life as I knew it was forever altered. Is it really possible that I can undo the beautiful work of the Creator of all things? It doesn't seem likely. That is where I am. My head is just as senseless and choppy as my writing.
I started by saying that I reached a question in Boice's commentary that I could not skip over. I am going to conduct an experiment with my life. I will not give up on this thing, but rather continue to study. I will not study with intentions of "knowledge", but rather seeking real answers. Life transforming answers. Things I will not put on my tongue until I have begun practicing them. If I adopt it, I will live it or I won't move on. Spiritual hypocrisy is not always easy to detect, even internally, but given that it is damnable I should take it soberly for my sake and for the sake of my family. I will no longer conform to the "evangelical mold", if I don't believe it I will say it, if I have a problem with it, I will wrestle it, I will not fake it to fit in, or to impress you. I will only rely on the Spirit's power to truly transform my affections towards Christ. As I study I will confront answers, challenge my own thinking at the risk of being stupid and showing my ignorance. If the Spirit is real, He will change me before those closest to me. My prayer is that He WILL be my bridge over these austere waters of discontentment, discouragement, and bitter feelings.
I realize that all of this could be in vain and I could remain in the same depressed state forever, but at least I am seeking…right?
This is Dru
ReplyDeleteGood news, three weeks after I told you I'd read your blog...I DID!!! (sounds like the Spirit is mightily at work in one of us)
In your last paragraph it sounds like your going to try and be humble and honest and not give in to the fear of what others might think of you. That sounds good to me! If that's not the Spirit working in you then at least you're setting yourself up for and ambush the Spirit won't be able to resist.